I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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