Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
