Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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