Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize