he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
