i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I haven't been this sober since birth.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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