I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
