so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
