I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
