I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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