No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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