alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
did i walk over a car last night?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
