He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
