Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize