I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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