sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
