just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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