I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
