The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
