he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
