I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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