For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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