Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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