If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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