Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
