i'm lost and i look like a hooker
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
