nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
