dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
