First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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