I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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