My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
