you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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