I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
