I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Damn victory sex feels great
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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