So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
