the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
