I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
