Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
