How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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