I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
