well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Randomize
