Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
