Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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