I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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