Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize