I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
