I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
