I'm lost and stupid without you.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
