Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
