i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
