It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
