can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
