Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
