do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
