This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
