A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
