I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
