Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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