Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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