What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
